I can really love the shit out of music when I'm in the mood. But see, I tend to get lost in my head and think too much, which is why when it comes to music choices, I tend to go for the over-simplified, no-hidden-meaning country, pop and R&B music. I mean, there just isn't a bad day that can't be cured by a little Luke Bryan ("Girl, you make my speakers go boom boom!" makes me beam every time), or an awesome day that can't be made even better by Zac Brown Band ("So we live out of our old van, travel all across this land, me and you"), you know? But it's actually the more complex stuff, that can and will be interpreted and "seen" differently depending on the listener, that really gets me good.
On my way home last night I heard "Crash" - the popular song that we all know and love by DMB. I remember the the circumstances under which I first heard Crash song as though it were yesterday: it was during my first date with my first college boyfriend - the Abercrombie employee, house-party-throwin' soccer player who loved to take me dancing (and as as side note could dance better than anyone I have ever seen to this day). Thereafter, DMB quickly became "our music," if you know what I mean, and especially this song.
Anyway, breakups are never fun, and this one with Abercrombie boy was no exception. For a while afterward, I couldn't really listen to DMB without feeling slightly sick to my stomach - it hurt too much. Over time, I returned to DMB concerts and regained the ability to thoroughly enjoy the music, but for a long time it still brought back a slight twinge of angst and regret.
I had a similar experience with the first Dido and Nelly Furtado albums, circa 2000-2001 (aka First Time Living in LA as an "Adult"). Don't ask me why - there were far too many reasons - but during that very tough year, these two albums were on HEAVY rotation. Once I removed myself from the situation I was in, I couldn't bring myself to listen to either of these artists without feeling ill, panicky, and full of anxiety, all horrible feelings, so I avoided hearing their music at all costs.
The Bravery also had an eery way of bringing on strong emotions. Driving up to Skiman's family's home up at Squaw, once we hit Donnor Lake, we'd start to blare The Bravery's "The Sun and the Moon" album and blare it all the way until the turn onto Winding Creek Road, and after waking up the next morning to avi bombs, hopping in the Tahoe for the 3.75 minute drive to the Red Dog chair, they would continue on repeat. The Bravery had a Pavlov's dog effect on me. See, I was a pretty new skier back then, pretty terrified actually, so the act of careening down a mountain for the first time at 30 years old (that is, at an age when I recognize danger!) was both terrifying and exhilarating, and the feeling in my stomach demonstrated it. To this day, every time I hear "Time Won't Let Me Go," I can literally feel myself sitting in the seat with the view of the Face and village and the sensation of booting up and navigating that expansive parking lot in boots without landing on my arse... in short, it makes me nervous and super excited all at the same time. It reminds me of purposefully scaring the shit out of myself, and loving every minute of it!!!
This may sound really cheesy, but music really is like the soundtrack to our lives, ya know? I'm not talking about, "Oh yeah, remember when Color Me Badd was THE SHIT!!??" I'm talking about music that has in some way shaped how our personal "movie trailer" has played out. I don't know about you, but in many respects, music is what keeps me sane. I put my soul into not just hearing its sound and feeling its vibrations, but really, truly LISTENING and LIVING it. I can form a story in my mind with every single song, real or imagined. Sometimes it just floats along beside me, serving as a backdrop for long lost memories (such as DMB), and other times I find myself figuratively giving the music my emotions so that I don't have to feel them or remember any longer (ala Dido and Nelly Furtado), and even still at other times it takes me to a place where I felt totally ALIVE (Bravery). Hey, it's better than relying on booze or liquor, right? Either way, there is certain music and certain periods of my life that are inextricably linked, such that if there was ever a movie made about my life (how do we feel about Reese Witherspoon as the lead, by the way?), those songs would have to be included in the soundtrack.
Years ago, I used to think I'd always have a bit of an "ouch" feeling when listening to DMB, but really now I'm just ALL smiles. I remember the good times spent with Abercrombie boy, and man oh man, there were plenty of them - sometimes I think all we did was laugh! Thinking of memories like that is like living a flashback, or a snippet of a movie...it was all sweetness and sunshine and laughter, not one ounce of negativity (despite the fact there was plenty of that as well). I remember the day we met, the first time he took me out onto a Sigma Chi dance floor (to Cake's "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps"), making batches and batches of Jungle Juice, soccer games and kissing in the pouring rain - all good times... and that all comes to mind from a simple song.
I'm also now able to listen to Dido and old school Nelly Furtado and think, "that's the year I survived." Even better, when I hear anything by The Bravery, I only think, "Hells yes! I'm gonna tear it up, Blue Square Style!" Ha.
So, what's on the playlist right now, you ask? Well, of course there's some Luke (because I LOVE HIM), and there'll always be some ZBB and Mumford for good measure. But I've got a couple on repeat for a long time that are clearly meant to be in a scene in my movie, or maybe the trailer, or the end credits.
The big one is Coldplay's "Life in Technicolor" (the instrumental, NO WORDS). It speaks to how I try to live each day, and my life on the whole, and I how I secretly hope people see me, because it's how I see myself. Just listen to it, and let it soak in. It starts softly, with a little old-school synthesizer action, and builds slowly, and lingers, making you curious about what you're hearing and what sound might add on next. Musical voices slowly join, one after another, making the sound more complex and vibrant, adding layer after layer at the right moment (not too soon, not too late) to make it even more interesting. What you think you hear changes. It wakes up like a morning flower turning to face the sun, opening petal by petal until it's fully exposed, and just continues to get prettier and prettier and the sun heats it. It never bores you, you feel anticipation of what's coming next, even though you already know what the expect. It builds and builds until you feel the urge to start bouncing your head, tapping on the steering wheel, dancing in your chair, maybe some full body action, "Oooohhh ooohhhhh!"... and then BAM! it's done and gone. And you hit repeat, because you want to hear it again. And again. And again. And each time, you hear it a little differently; it's never quite the same. Doesn't it just make you feel like... "Hot damn, my life is awesome!" ?? Yeah, that one's definitely the trailer version of my movie.
Next up, Imagine Dragon's "It's Time." This one starts off with the most awesome clapping and tinkering, that reminds me of being a giddy child excited for new adventures. That's the hook, y'all. But then the complexity of the lyrics hit you and it takes a deep turn, making you have a little existential conversation with yourself... but then, what's that?, there's the giddy clapping and tinkering again. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big, like something life altering (in a good way) is right around the corner, so this one has a special place for me. I could write five more pages about why, but I think I'll keep that to myself for now.
And finally, Daughtry's (don't judge!) "Start of Something Good." I actually heard this very recently for the first time, and found it quite fitting. I had an interesting week. It started off amazingly well, then there was a major let down, and then a very pleasant random surprise reincarnation occurred. Who knows what it all means, or what will happen - it's all up in the air. But oddly enough, this "needs to know!" girl is choosing to let go, and just think positively and know that "it" will work out as it should, whatever this beginning actually is. And, well, Daughtry just just looks so damn good...
What's playing on your soundtrack?
xoxo
