Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Somewhere out there...

Every single person I know is going through something similar: dating nightmares, break-ups, momentary depression, loneliness, or just plain wanting to get ass, but having a hard time finding any.  Ironically, these are the same people always offering up their advice on MY lovelife.  Then of course there are the incredibly happy people - the ones who aren't in relationships because they seem to hate relationships or are in 'perfect' relationships - they have tons of annoying advice too.  My two new coworkers are examples of this.  Very much, "Hey, look at me!  Chin up!"

So, here's my question, and you don't have to answer this, but feel free:  Why is it considered pathetic to want a boyfriend/girlfriend?  Or even a husband/wife??  No, seriously. 


One friend of mine has referred to herself as co-dependent just because she found that being excited about another guy would help get over the last one.  I think that's perfectly normal.  An independent man or woman is seen as so strong, so lucky, so to be admired, but is it admirable or is it just one of multiple lifestyle choices that some prefer?  Maybe those independent people really suck in relationships, so they're single because they don't know HOW to be sane as a partner, while some partner-types don't know how to be sane without another half.  But I just don't understand why one is considered better than the other?  Why is it okay to suck in a relationship and be awesome single, but not okay to be awesome in a relationship, but suck as a single?

I think you are co-dependent or obsessed when you're the type of person who CAN'T be alone.  Let me define 'can't.'  I mean that the person would rather be with the wrong person, and
horribly wrong at that, than be alone or go through the inconvenience of ending a relationship with someone who just isn't right for them.  This is a person who generally doesn't enjoy their own company and solitude.  This is a person who doesn't like themselves unless a member of the opposite sex that they're into is into them in return.  This is a person who has no opinion of their own because they adapt to the opinion of whomever they're dating.  This is a person who has no life outside of their relationship, and who basically takes over the life of their significant other.  In short, this is a person who thinks he or she's pathetic, ugly and/or useless if they're not having sex with a regular partner or is dateless on a Saturday night.  This is a person who fears an empty bed and no sexy text messages in his/her phone.  


I am none of those things.  I sleep diagonally or horizontally in my bed these days.  I go to movies alone by choice if no one wants to go with me.  I run by myself, shop by myself, travel by myself, even ski by myself (granted, these things are always more fun with a partner, but so what?).  I also eat by myself all the time, and I often prefer it because I easily strike up conversations with random others at the bar counter and learn the most fascinating things about other people, and they all seem to like me.  While I enjoy sharing some activities and hobbies with the guys I date, I have my OWN things that I'm into and don't ever try usurp a guy's life.  I think I'm plenty attractive even if I don't have a boyfriend/fiance/husband.  Short of being a narcissist, I think it's fair to say I pretty much love myself.  I pay my own bills, I buy my own shit, I have fun on the weekends, and spoil and take care of myself.  I think I have a pretty full life even though I haven't reached "happily ever after" yet.  So, IF I were to want a boyfriend to complement (not complete!) my life, why would that make me a pathetic asshole?  I'm not saying I'd want ANY old boyfriend.  I'd want a really, really good one.  Somehow, by some folks' standards, that makes me a pathetic, weak, obsessive, co-dependent.  Hmph.

So, the advice has been rolling in - "Heeeey, you're FREE, ENJOY yourself!!"  Hey, dude, who said I'm not enjoying myself?  Trust me, I really do love my freedom.  I love that all my decisions are mine to make.  I love flying by the seat of my pants and deciding at noon on a Saturday to go to SF or Tahoe without even finding out if I have a place to stay when I get there and not having to run it by anyone.  I love that someone else's bad mood doesn't have to become my bad mood.  I love that I can run, ski, travel, shop, alone or with girlfriends and not feel guilty for leaving my guy out.  I love that I never feel threatened because of his non-existent boundaries.  I love that I never have to wonder if I'm being cheated on with the ex-girlfriend who calls at 2:14 a.m., or if he's contemplating moving across the country and doesn't want me to come with him.  I love that I don't have to explain myself if I have a phone conversation with an ex-boyfriend with whom I really DO have a completely platonic friendship.  I love that I'm not scared of losing someone.  I love that I don't have to feel that awful, painful aching of the very first moment when you realize the person you're crazy about is slipping away.  Man, that sucks.  Rather, I do feel FREE and liberated, but that's because these are all the awful things I've experienced in prior relationships that are experiences I won't repeat if when I find myself with the right guy.

The right guy will be AWESOME, and I can't wait to meet him (if I haven't already) because he's there, out there somewhere looking for someone to be equally awesome with.  We're going to have so much fun and open each other's eyes to new experiences, things we'd never thought of before.  We will inspire each other to meet and overcome our personal challenges.  He's going to make me laugh, make me feel beautiful, and woo me.  I'll want to do anything (within reason) to make him happy.  He's going to call the next day (such a novel concept these days!), and he's going to sound happy to hear from me whenever I call.  He's going to look forward to seeing me, and we will make mutual compromises to make that happen.  He's going to flatter me.  I'm going to admire and appreciate him, who he is and what he plans for himself.  He's going to give me little surprises, like sticky notes on the bathroom mirror.  I'm going to do the "little things" that brighten his day in return.  He's going to make me his priority, and he's going to be mine.  We're going to spend snowy Saturdays in Tahoe tearin' it up, sunny Sundays on the coast or in the city, occasional hookie days on the river, and random nights out together laughing and enjoying our time out with friends.  We'll run in the rain together, and then snuggle by a fire.  He's going to be spontaneous and think a random trip to NYC or Denver or Chicago or Hawaii or Vegas would be fun, or even better - if I want to go without him, he'll think that'll be fun for me and he'll do his own thing without feeling abandoned or envious.  I won't ever feel jealous because he won't give me any reason to because he has the common knowledge of what's NOT appropriate when you have a significant other, and I will literally never give another guy a second glance because in my eyes no one will ever compare.  He'll be my very best friend, my last call or snuggle of the day, and I'll be his.  I'll be attracted to him in a ravenous way, and he'll be eager to satisfy my "needs." (Wink, wink.)  I'll love the way he smells, and want to sleep in his t-shirts.  I'll adore him - he'll literally make my eyes twinkle.  We'll be excited about the future together.  We'll make plans, and also go on spontaneous getaways.  He'll think all my friends are hilarious; I'll totally dig hanging out with his.  His parents and sibling(s) will love me, and I'll love them.  We'll always be in each other's corner, encouraging and cheering but also letting each other know when we're throwing all the wrong punches.  This guy is out there.  I JUST KNOW IT.

There might be a couple of them out there like that, and it's not that I feel like I'm this loser because I'm not independent enough, I'm as independent as they get.  I'm just so incredibly excited to meet this man.  He could be anywhere - in the grocery store, at my favorite Thai restaurant, at a shared charity event, on I-80 next to me in traffic, at a wedding, living next door, in the office building next to mine, on freakin' Match.com - where ever!  My favorite person in the world exists, and I haven't met him yet.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with reeeeaaallly looking forward to that "ah ha!" moment.  

The rest of my life IS in order.  I do concentrate on my career.  I have amazing friends.  i have a full, wonderful life.  When the majority of your life is in order, you don't sit around and talk about it - particularly on a blog.  You talk about what you don't have, why you don't have it, and what you want from it.  The one thing I don't have is a ridiculously awesome dude to spend time with.  So I live my life to the fullest every single moment I'm not typing to you people, and then I take this time here to analyze what's missing.  That's it.  That's all. 

End of rant.
xoxo